Unclumping, Unscented, Clay Cat Litter: The World’s Rarest Commodity

            I am into bonsai trees.  Unfortunately.  This particular hobby has been the cause of me yelling at the idiots messing with the trees, the idiots who don’t know anyting yelling at me because I am not properly tending to me tree, and giant fights in the family because everyone who does not know about bonsai thinks that they are some super awesome expert and I have to tell them they are wrong.  It goes something like this.  “This tree needs water” the idiot says taking the tree out of its pot.

            “What the heck are you doing fool?” I shout “I drying out the soil so I can repot it!  Don’t ever do that again.”

            “You have no right to talk to me like that again.”  The idiot beliefs they were right.  “Go to your room child!”

            It is really annoying.  I wish I could go back and change that decision.  Beat my stupid little skull into a state that would shun such activities.  See the thing about bonsai trees are that if you do not meticulously tend to each one every day they start to die.  The leaves turn brown and then fall off.  Whoops, bye, bye…  Then you have to spend even more time trying to get them back to normal health.  Like pruning, potting, and repotting.  Repotting.  That brings us to the title of this post.

            Repotting is insanely hard.  You have to trim the roots and get new soil.  So I am trying to get some new soil.  I read that unclumping, unscented, clay cat litter, is great for soil.  So I say “Oh neat I go to the pet store and get some.”

            Really, really bad idea.  First of all it is hard to find the right cat litter.  There is a huge wall with tons of different types of litter.  I ask the guy working there “Do you have unclumping, unscented, clay, cat litter?  And I only want a little container.”

            He gives me his advice.  “You want clumping cat litter; it is easier to tend to.”  He says.  “You also want scented cat litter; it will have fewer odors.  And lastly you want corn made cat litter; it is better for the litter box.”

            “No, no” I say trying to be polite “this is for bonsai soil.”

            “I recommend this brand” he points ignoring anything I say.  “This is highly scented, made one hundred percent of corn, and highly clumping.”

            “I don’t stinking want that!” I yell.  “Give me unscented, unclummping, clay freaking cat litter!”

            “No, no, no… listen to my advice about the litter.  Here put this into the cart.  You want the biggest size.  It is a better price.”

            “Shut up!” I yell.  “Do you even have unscented, unclumping clay cat litter?”

            “Uh, no sir.   But listen…  That is not the type you want.  That is what I keep telling you.”

            “You mean I just wasted ten stinking minutes trying to buy something and you never thought to mention that you don’t have it” I scream.  People are starting to stare.  Actually they started staring a while ago, but now their jaws were starting to drop.

            I go back home absolutely splenetic, and have the same situation at four other stores.  So the point of this whole thing is, don’t take up bonsai.  And don’t listen to anyone when they say that oil is scarce, gas is scarce, or anything else is scarce.  Just think about unscented, unclumping, clay cat litter.  It no longer exists.

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