Attempted Book Publishing Or Why I May Be Eligibal For Arrest

I am writing a book.  It is a crappy book.  It is lame and pathetic.  But it is a fun thing to do.  Here is the first chapter.  I will probably put more of it up soon.

All the terror and terribleness of a warped family reunion/vacation started one day in the Winter family kitchen.  A special dinner was being prepared to announce a special announcement.  This is what one usually does with announcements.  Thus this was to be expected.  “Oh honey, you are going to be so excited” Carol said to her husband Felix.

Felix was a psycho.  This was a generally accepted fact by everyone who had come into contact with him.  Felix had pitch black spiked up hair, a pitch black handle bar mustache, anger problem, a dirtier mouth than a football stadiums urinal and biceps the size of a sprinters calf.  You did not want to get on his bad side.

At the dinner table there was a general air of interest.  Stennis could not eat his dinner.  “Oh did the excitement take away you appetite?” Carol asked.

“Uh no” he sneered.  “It is the fault of this puree spinach and mashed potatoes soup.  I mean talk about foul.”

Stennis was a pessimistic, genius.  He had the potential to do great thing for the world but he chose to instead rig complicated pranks, annoy everyone, and hack online video games.  He spent most of his time in head phones on the computer.

“Shut your face Stennis” said Carol.  “I needed to get rid of leftovers.”

Carol was a text-book genius.  She had the street skills of a worm, and the charisma of flagellated cilia.  But if there was a page long, multivariate formula involved she was your best resource.

“Well I think it was a genius way to prevent waste while maximizing flavor” chimed in Harwood.

Harwood was the high school definition of a complete nerd. He had circular glasses, constantly wore dress pants, and a pocket protector, and got straight a-plus plus’s in school.  He was not really in school.  He was enrolled in college.

“Oh come on” Dijon said.  “Cut out this nonsense and just tell us what the announcement is.”

Dijon had curly hair and a tell it like it is personality.  He already had a steady income forma video game he had made, and a comic strip he had running in papers.  He was generally apathetic to the general world

“All right let’s go.”  Felix cleared his throat.  This was not because he wanted to have a clear voice.  It was because he wanted to have an excuse to spit.

“Next month we are taking a month off from work and school” Felix continued.  “We are renting a house boat and going out on it for that month.”

“What!  Next month!”  Lydia screamed.  “I need to pack.  I have no time.”

“Somehow, I think you will manage” Dijon pointed out “You always have enough clothes.”

“Oh you are so ignorant” she huffed back “having enough clothes does not mean that I am prepared and have good clothes for the proper situation and weather.”

“You mean proper clothing to impress the cute boys helping us get settled.”

“Well if you want to read into it” she huffed “then yeah!”

“Be quiet you two” Carol scolded “Felix, tell them the rest of the surprise”.

“Oh joy, there’s more” said Stennis “This is just getting better”.

“Oh don’t be so pessimistic” Harwood joined the argument “it is probably good new”.

By this time everyone was getting sick of all the arguing and fighting and wanted to get this whole ordeal over with.  So everyone decided to shut up and listen.

“Not only are we going to be on the vacation” Carol began, to which everyone groaned.  “But we are inviting Felix’s and my grandparents, and your cousins and aunts to come too.  So instead of a family vacation it will be a family reunion.  This is our first one in five years.”

“Take that Harwood,” Stennis yelled “I knew it would be bad.”

“Let me get this straight,” Asked Dijon “We are meeting about 20 members of our family at a dock and then staying in close quarters for a month?”

“Oh no, no,” Carol answered easing the tension “I never said anything about meeting them there.  They are flying here and then after a few days of fun we are all driving up together.”  This of course reinstalled the tension with a few upgrades and new programs.

“Well to bad Dante but we aren’t stopping at the seventh level” Commented Stennis.

Carol was offended.  “What is so bad about a family reunion?  They are great to learn a lot about your family.”

“But I hate hanging out with a bunch of strange people.”

“How can you say that Stennis?” she defended “These aren’t strangers, these are family.”

“I didn’t say “strangers” I said strange people.”

Felix laughed.  “He’s got you there!”

“Do you think that Uncle Willy will bring his Lima bean collection again?” Lydia asked.

“Oh come on it will be fun” Carol insisted “we can camp, and hike, and do all sorts of fun stuff.”

“Yeah this will be great” Harwood the eternal optimist put in.

“Keep telling yourself that Harwood” said Stennis “Wait until you are crammed into a car with a drunken insane cop, a depressive cat hoarder, a blind stunt biker, a freakish nerd obsessed with bladder dysfunction, a sociopathic cop, a cat, a whiny doomed girl and a wide variety of lame and pathetic people.”

“Whenever you go in a car you are crammed with a whiny doomed girl” Dijon laughed.

“Hey” Lydia defended “I’m not always whiny.”

“But the doom keeps coming…” He chuckled.

“Hey let’s not argue” Felix said, enjoying the scene “We have to go pick up your cousins, aunt, and uncle.”

“What the heck!” yelled Lydia “Right now?”

“Right now” he confirmed.

                What else happened today is that I took the AP English test.  That is a hard test.  You have to drive an hour away because some idiots will not let you take it at the school right next to your house.  I am homeschooled.  That means that lots of people will be jerks about college, online school, SATs and everything else I life.  So I take the AP English test at a high school an hour away.  It is a creepy place filled with creepy people.  You walk into a giant stadium filled with desks.  Then you wait for an hour until all the idiots also taking the test decide to sit down.  Then you take the test.  It takes around three hours.  At the end of the test they read an announcement about how it is illegal to talk about anything that happened during the test.  So If I do not post for a while it will be because I am either in prison, or running from the police.

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1 Response to Attempted Book Publishing Or Why I May Be Eligibal For Arrest

  1. old mama says:

    this story can only get more intriguing after August visit with old fogeys.

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